True Love
by Thalion Estel
Summary: In which Caspian reveals his love for Susan and, well, you'll see. If crackfics are supposed to be weird and random, then this is a cracked crackfic. Movie-verse one-shot. Please review!


**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Author's Note: This just happened. I wasn't planning it, and it makes almost no sense. However, I find it pretty funny, so I hope you get some laughs out of it. Please, please, please leave me a review (and don't hate me forever)! If you are prone to be disturbed by utter randomness, then rethink reading this. It's **_**really**_** out there. I still think it's funny, though. **

True Love

Susan stood on the hill constructed above the Stone Table. Her dark hair, not very different from that of a horse's tail, waved gently over her face as a small breeze floated by. Her full lips, too dark and red to be considered natural, puffed out far beyond her nose, obstructing her view of her own body. She was beautiful. Caspian stared at her like a rabid dog, unable to keep the drool in his mouth. Summoning his courage, he walked over to where his true love stood to express his feelings for her.

"Hey baby," he said in a voice displaying his limited intelligence. "You wanna be my baby, baby? I just really like you cuz your real hot and stuff."

Susan stared into the eyes of Narnia's future king. They were utterly vacant, and indeed she was surprised that he had been able to muster enough knowledge of language to get his point across. And that was why she loved him. She had loved him ever since she had seen him trip over a pile of minotaur droppings in the forest. That moment, when she had watched him wiping the crud off his face, was when their eternal flame of love had been kindled. She knew emotions were all that mattered in any relationship, so she immediately swore in her heart that she would be his for all eternity.

"I'd love being your baby," Susan replied, having to work hard to move her massive lips up and down. "We're in love."

Caspian moved in to kiss his love. However, he was then confronted with the problem that her lips were too big for him to kiss properly. As he was trying to figure out a remedy to the situation, a random faun came dashing up to where they stood, apparently with some sort of news.

"My lord," the faun began, "the Telmarines are approaching, and King Peter thought it best to—"

"SHUT UP, VERMIN!" Caspian screamed, bursting the poor faun's eardrums. The creature was toppled over by the sound wave, rolling into a heap on the ground. Drawing his sword in passionate anger, Caspian made for the temporarily disadvantaged faun. "Can't you see I'm busy?!"

With another scream of absolute love, Caspian plunged his sword into the faun's body. Being completely without any kind of skill, Caspian only managed to give the faun a small wound. However, his murderous intentions did not go unwitnessed, and soon the faun received aid.

"Stop!" a voice loudly demanded.

King Edmund sprang forward and deflected a second blow that Caspian had aimed at the intruding creature. Caspian took several steps back as he tried to regain his footing.

"What do you think you're doing?" Caspian shrieked. "I'm the king! I have to KILL this insolent RAT!"

"By gum, you've gone insane!" Edmund said under his breath. The king extended a hand to the faun and helped him to his feet while Susan scurried behind her brave champion.

"Oh, kill them!" she yelled in a voice that would have caused Aslan to grimace. "They are haters, and they hate on our love!"

"It's okay baby. I got this," Caspian whispered to his dearest love.

"What is the cause of all this?" Edmund asked the faun.

"I meant no disrespect or insult," the faun stammered. "All I did was come to give my message, and he lashed out at me. I hope I haven't done anything wrong."

"You are guiltless," Edmund said with certainty after one look into the wild eyes of Caspian and Susan.

"KILL THEM!" Susan squealed. "KILLLLLLL THEM! WE ARE IN LOVE!"

"You two must die," Caspian said through gritted teeth. "You are both traitors to everything that is of value! You show no respect to your rightful king, his extremely hot girlfriend, their passionate and completely emotions based love, or rap music! All you care about is stupid stuff about some guy named Lewis or other lame trash. We are reality and you are a LIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!"

With that, he lunged forward with the purpose of slaying his foes, though the chances of such a success are too small to be mathematically calculated. With one small swing of his sword, Edmund disarmed Caspian, who let out a scream that could have shamed a five year old child. Being a kind and chivalrous sort of person, Edmund did not hurt his opponent (though it was very much his desire). Instead, he quickly stepped behind the disoriented prince and grabbed Caspian's arms, pinning the wrists together in a strong grip.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Caspian yelled at the top of his lungs. "Let me go, you idiot!"

Susan, whose shallow mind was immediately taken from the situation by a random thought sparked by Caspian's demand, began skipping about and singing "Let It Go" in her most angelic voice, which would have actually made for a good demon impression. She danced around, staying in the air longer than normal as a result of some gravity malfunction. "I can fly," she said between verses, letting herself bound ten feet over a small tree, swinging her arms above her head and pumping her fists in the air. "Turn away and slam the door!"

Edmund stared with open mouth for almost a full minute before he simply stopped trying to think about it. He dragged his captive, who was squirming, screaming, and crying, down the hill to be brought before the High King. Edmund desperately hoped someone inside could explain this insanity. The faun followed King Edmund, wringing his hands and wondering what could have possibly made such an absolutely disturbing scene play out.

**Now do you believe me? Wasn't that weird? But it was still sort of funny, right? Well, leave me a review so that I'll know what you think! And as I said, don't hate me forever! I'm not saying any of the characters are like that: this is just are really cracked crackfic. REALLY cracked.**


End file.
